Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
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STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*