chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.