Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
motivation
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm