Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
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Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!