True.
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8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.