Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
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I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
This 4th of July, please remember…
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.