I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
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i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
My neck, my back, my…
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears