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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.