What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
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shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories