Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
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Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide