[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
You Might Also Like
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T