DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
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Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.