Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
The Assassin.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.