Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
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Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full