*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
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Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.