There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.