Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
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God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.