hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
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“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.