Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
You Might Also Like
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
OKAY DAD
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest