Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Bootstraps
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
the rocks need my help
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW