My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Do not levitate over flowers
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Noted.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?