Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
You Might Also Like
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
this came to me in a vision
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I have so many questions.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.