Is this you?
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When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]