Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
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Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
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I still have Pringles?
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious