What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
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I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.