9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
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Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10