Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
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Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
just having fun
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.