Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Practicing safe sax
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …