Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!