My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I put the h in mysterious.
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.