As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.