Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.