You Might Also Like
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait