[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
The Weeknd is back
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?