ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
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If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
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Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
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Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
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Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
*checks Timeline*…
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it