You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
When someone says you are so lazy
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Today’s Times
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Bro what is this