ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
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“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
calling in to work dehydrated
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.