I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.