[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
giddy up Office Depot
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.