20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
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<- sleeps well with others
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.