every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing