Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
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I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
tourist season
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.