Why is no one talking about this?!
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After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.