Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
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Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Not😆🤣
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*