Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
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*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.