Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
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My safe word is Worcestershire
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?