Look, I respect the skill. But no.
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just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Facebook memories be like
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Okay me first
I hope google does well on my son’s test
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Anyone want a chair?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.