King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
mood
Are you ok, human???
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Them: You should try keto
Me:
😲 WTF? 😆
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.