I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
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Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game