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[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I wish I could veto my bills.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.